First I will give you a little background in case you don’t know our situation. Dave and I went back to school in January 2006. I just finished this week (assuming there are no major revision needed on my thesis) and Dave will finish in May. We live off of school loans every semester and we are currently over $60,000 in debt just in those loans. We lived without hot water, heat (not that we needed it at the time), and cooking gas for about 6 months this year. We had to switch from cloth diapers, eat out of a microwave or toaster oven, and take cold showers. We took the kids to grandma’s house for baths. We have never been much over the poverty line, but we’ve never been as bad as we were this year. Something happened with my coursework and I suddenly found myself without enough credits to graduate. Thankfully my department came to my rescue and worked out a solution with the associate dean. Unfortunately, it cost me over $700. Someone I have never even met in real life (though we were at a party together over the summer) offered to loan me the money (when I thought it was only $650). An amazing classmate wanted to give me the remaining $100, but I told her that I would take it only on the condition that I pay her back.
Our tires were really, really unsafe, even for regular driving. I had to buy two snows last week because we could literally not even get traction. It cost $183, with a coupon and with them throwing in studding for free. We took it in to the shop finally because the heater blower doesn’t work. It’s been like this for over a year. Last winter was rough because it wouldn’t defrost and we could hardly see out the windshield. Well, it’s not the cheap fix we were hoping – it will be about $200 with a used motor. We also woke up to our cell phones being shut off. My sister is on our plan, so it doesn’t just affect us, it affects her family, too. She’s in rough financial shape too. So until we find $400, we have no phones and neither of us have home lines.
To top it off, we won’t be able to buy the boys any Yule gifts this year. We’ve NEVER been that broke before. Never. I just feel awful about that. I don’t want them to learn to value material objects, but they don’t get things throughout the year, either. It’s not like they are spoiled kids – they need clothes, we go to Thrifty Shopper if we can afford to. I just hate that we worry so much about money.
I feel so guilty when I get so depressed over these things. I know that we are about to get shut-off notices on our utilities, but social services can’t help us anymore (long story, but we owe them money because the federal guidelines are fucked beyond words). We have it so much better than so many people in this world. We are lucky to have family who helps when they can, we have a house, we are able to pick up internet from somewhere in the air, we get enough food stamps to feed our kids. Some people don’t have a home, don’t have food, die terribly from poverty-related diseases. We are so fortunate. So fortunate. But it is terrifying nonetheless. Dave is starting his seasonal job again this week, but it will be a long time until we see any of that money and it sure won’t be a lot. I am looking for a job but with my current (and hopefully temporary) physical problems, there aren’t a lot of choices for me. There are also very few jobs, as everyone knows.
I know that going back to school was the right decision – I never question that. I am so grateful that we were able to do that. Not only will be able to get better jobs soon (after MA level), but I have grown so much as a person. I have learned so much and am thankful every day for my education.
But this is where we are right now. I am sick of it. The stress affects us both physically as well as emotionally. I can’t shake the mono, either. What I need is rest and there is none of that to be had in this house.
